Can't think of a title

I love the fact that I haven't posted in over a month. I love the fact even more that I don't care...
(that was for those of you who wanted an apology)

I'm not going to lie, life has been out of control this last month, and its only going to get busier on Monday when summer camp starts, so don't expect to much this summer in the way of deep thought.

I've only got one thought for the day, so wonder of wonders this might be a short post. I'm tired of always feeling like I have to validate and defend myself. I'm tired of reading other blogs where people feel like they have to defend their box against attack. I'm disgusted with the fact that I'm going to naturally want to explain this post to people who don't get it... Why are we all so reactionary? I want to be part of a Christianity that is not bent on protecting the box. I don't want to be to be person who spends much of his time deflecting accusations people send my way--even if they are false accusations. Honestly, it is nothing short of rotten pride that makes me think I need to prove that I'm better than what people say about me.
We live in society that is bent on debating and proof, but this is not the way of Jesus. Jesus never felt compelled to defended himself.
What is even more sad is that we spend most of our time validating our actions to our other brother and sister's in Christ. And if we're not validating our actions than we're attacking the actions of another brother in order to prove our validity. What a vicious cycle we're living in. I don't want to be part of a Christianity that is so incredibly insecure. I don't want to spend my life proving myself or my ministry and I don't want to spend my life questioning or disproving another's ministry. I hope that I have reasons for everything I do; I hope that if the reasons are bad than I'm man enough to admit it and change my position; I hope that I'm fine with realizing that not everyone is going to understand why I do what I do even if they know the reasons. Maybe than Christians could happily co-exist and labor together for the cause of the ministry.

You know what really reveals the deceit of my heart? I wonder how much of this post is a reaction to how I've observed other Christians living? If my heart is really this wicked (which it is) than I have no right to vindicate or defend myself to others for any reason. I'm as the devil apart from the grace of God.

Ace...

April 29, 2006

Dear Ace,
Well, it’s been just over a year since you left us. A lot has changed since then; I’ve changed since then, but than you probably know all of that. Your accident blind sided me and those closest to you. One day you were the Ace that we all loved hanging out with, but the next day you were a memory—not even a body in a casket we could say good bye too, just pictures and memories were all we had of you. That was (is) hard, bro. I know that you probably don’t have any desire to be back here in our shoes dealing with life again, but you left a massive hole when you took off—a hole that has not been easy to fill. Maybe the pain of that hole is really just me being a little jealous that you’re already finished with this life and that your new life is free from sin and pain, and yet I’m still here struggling with all of those things; maybe part of the pain is realizing that you don’t miss me because you are in a far, far better place than here. Dude, these things have been really hard for me to come to grips with. Time has only helped in the sense that I’m getting used the hole being there, but your absence still really hurts…
I’ll never forget that horrible Tuesday morning—it should have been fun, it was the last day of classes and my graduation was only a week and a half away, instead I had all sorts of reporters asking me to sum up my friendship with you and try to explain to them what kind of guy you were (that’s the only time in my life I’ve made the front page). That wasn’t really fair—I was so numb from the news that everything I said was mechanical. I hope I didn’t misrepresent you; but I did want people to know who you were. All the while I was trying to wrap my mind around the fact that my friendship with you was all just memories now—that’s a lot to swallow in the space of four hours.
I had all sorts of people ask “how are you” and they meant well, but it is such a trite question after something like that plus I’m still in shock so I can’t even tell people how I am. Instead I gave the patented answer of “I’ve been better” or “I’m hanging in there” or some other cliché phrase. My heart was touched with this expression of care and concern that people were showing, but I couldn’t really bring myself to share all of what I was going through with them—good grief, I wasn’t even sure what I felt, one second it was deep pain then next anger the next sorrow and on and on it went. In a sense I felt as if I was betraying my Christianity to voice doubts and fears and burdens; because for as long as I can remember it has been drilled into me that “God makes no mistakes” and “His will is always perfect” and “He knows what is best” and of course these are all true but none of it helped me deal with the pain. Therefore, as a result of not wanting to betray my cultural Christianity and not wanting to unload on someone who doesn’t know what I was going through the burden of your loss was dealt with for the most part privately. I know this would have disappointed you—you would have wanted me to be confident, to have me be fine with your “flight home.” It just wasn’t that easy for me though—the pain was too great to just ignore it. Maybe I should have talked this all out sooner with someone, but it just felt wrong to my Christianity to just dump all this junk that I was dealing with on somebody; especially when I was the one who was supposed to be strong. I wasn’t dumb enough to blame God, but it didn’t seem like there is any why to deal with the pain.
My mind was continually wondering around the fields of memory—it seemed like I could remember every conversation we had in precise detail. I could remember every time we did stuff together and where we did it and what we ate and who was with us. Times and places that I didn’t even know I remembered came flooding back to me after you left.
I never once thought that of all my friends you would be the one to leave us young—you were Ace. You were in better shape than I ever hope to be in. You were so confident. You had so many connections—I’ve never met anyone else who knew has many people as you did. It seemed like your life was so planned out. If there was anyone who could have done whatever they wanted with themselves it would have been you. This was the Ace that I knew; I just always expected that you would be around for years and years, and that we would be friends for the rest of a long life, but than you left and I was reminded that I can’t assume anything.
I told you things were different now; I told you I was different. In a lot of ways it all started with you dying, but I think you would like how I’ve grown and changed. I think this was one of the few times in my life where I exercised real faith. I wanted to quit, I wanted to believe that the pain would go, I wanted it all to end. But I made a conscious decision that just because I couldn’t see a reason or just because it hurt so bad didn’t mean that I was going to stop believing that God is. My faith is so much stronger now and my relationship with God has deepened and blossomed in ways that I wasn’t sure were possible. Life has taken on a much more serious outlook for me. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t remember you and remembering you reminds me that I only have so long to live. My final days need to be marked with a love for God that consumes my love for others. It’s ironic for me to say this, but your death had more impact on me than your life did—maybe that is what you would have wanted. You always wanted to touch people’s lives, and when you were alive you did, but when you died you grabbed hold of people’s lives and shook them up.
I really miss you bro, especially at this time of the year when it all happened. You would have been graduating yourself next week. But you’re not sad about missing that, are you. You’re not at all sad about having your life cut short. I wish I could have your perspective right now because it’s not clouded by sin and personal sorrow, and your faith has finally been made sight…even though my faith is still blind, I rejoice that I have a confident hope that someday I will join you again…
I probably won’t write you another letter before that time I see you—I don’t think I need to; but I did want to tell you that it was (still is) hard, but that I’ve grown so much because of all of it.
I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to put this letter on my blog; because I know that a lot of other people have gone through something similar to this, and if they haven’t yet, they will, because this is life. I know you would want me to be honest about dealing with your absence and that you would hope that other people would be able to learn from my honesty. For the first time, then, I’m going to put what I went through in a place where lots of people can read and learn from it all—there you go, touching me from the grave again:)

I will always miss you but I’m eternally grateful for how you changed my life.

Matty

4--25--05

Yesterday is one year, today is one year since I found out. I have a lot of things I want to say about loosing a good friend and that pain it has been, but I'm not really sure how to say everything. All I know is that is still hurts and sometimes seems just like yesterday. I've resisted saying much about this on this blog--maybe I think its just to personal, maybe because its something I'm still wrestling with...I don't know. It might be a few days before I get my thoughts organized enough to share with you my pain and hurt but also what I learned. I guess until than I just want to say that I still miss Ace and I'm not ready to let this day go by yet without acknowledging that I still feel his absence.
I appreciate all of you who have acknowledged your prayers and love--It's comforting to know that you haven't forgotten...

Sharing the Story

Beware this is going to be long; only venture in if you are prepared to read for a while and engage in some tough thinking…

Have you ever wondered why our Bible is not written like a systematic theology book? How come, when we use the Romans road, we “travel all over Romans” to tell the gospel story? Why is Christ never recorded as using a “method” to share the truth of His coming? In fact His gospel presentation was always specifically tailored to the person he was witnessing to…The rich young ruler was told to sell all his possession and give them to the poor, and than follow Christ. Nicodemus was told he “must be born again” (which btw was not a cliché Netcasters answer—he was connecting with Nicodemus on a pharisaical tradition). The Women at the Well was asked if she wanted something that offered lasting satisfaction (satisfaction being an obvious problem in her life because she had 5 different husbands). The woman with the issue of blood was told to “believe”. When Christ seemingly shut the door on the Gentile Women’s plea for help, she responded with a plea for Christ to “throw her scraps as he would a dog,” he responded with a statement that he had not seen such great faith in all of Israel and as a result she was guaranteed eternal life…

It seems that sharing the gospel is not best suited to repetitious outlines and repeat-after-me-prayers, and yet that is how it is presented.
I wonder if we have become so stuck on getting out the problem of sin, the penalty for sin, and the plan for redemption that we failed to “tell the story as it really happened”.
What would it be like for us to begin our salvation story at creation instead of the fall? To tell people how God created a perfect world and how people lived in that perfect world. To point out that their own earning for honesty and fairness is simple proof that God created a perfect world. Obviously the fall destroyed this perfect world, but that salvation can reconcile a broken relationship between God and man, and we can still return to living life the way God intended it to be lived.
It seems that in our zealousness to “get people into heaven” and “out of Hell” that we have tons of premature salvation decisions (c’mon, how come 90% of all people who make the decision at 4 or 5 end up having to “get assurance” or realize that it is a “heart decision and not a head decision,” or the just had to make sure “because they had doubts”). When someone was saved in the bible there was an obvious commitment to a way of life that accompanied their decision. This “way” was living as Christ lived—taking care of the poor, helping the marginalized and oppressed, teaching meekness, forgiveness and humility, braking down religious preconceptions and error. People who chose to “follow Christ” realized they were taking on a commitment to live this way. Now, we’re just worried about saving people from hell that we think the whole live like Christ did happens “when we surrender everything” in a post salvation decision. So what would it be like if when someone made the decision to “be saved” they realized that salvation was kind of like a wedding and that Christianity was like marriage—it’s a commitment. It’s not easy. It takes lots of work. There are tons of frustrations and setbacks. There are times when it seems like it would be easier to chuck the whole thing, but we’ve committed to Christ and so we’re not willing to throw in the towel. Sure marriage is a beautiful thing, but it’s all of these other things as well. Salvation seem to follow the same lines…perhaps were salvation told this way, we wouldn’t feel like so many of our churches are dead, and we wouldn’t have lost so many of our own young people.
I came across this the other day and I think it puts what I’m trying to say in understandable terms…


“Yesterday, I went to the store and I bought four new tires.”…end of story.
It is a short story, I know, but I need you to do something to make reading the rest of this worth while. Choose one word that captures the meaning and the essence of that story.
One word.
Have you chosen yet? If you need to stop and read the story again, go ahead. Take your time.
OK time is up. If you understood what I meant by my instructions, I’m guessing you probably chose some word similar to “shopping” or “purchase” or “transaction.” If you really got in to that story you might have chosen some word like “torque bearing load extension” which is more than word and doesn’t exist. If you wandered off in the middle of that story, you might want to seek some professional help about your attention deficiency. You may be alerted to your need if your word choice has more to do with the squirrel outside your open window than it does with a story that was told in twelve words. Your lack of focus might also be tipped off if you have just found yourself counting the words in the story.
Now that we are on the same page, I am going to be making some presumptions about the words you might choose as I retell this same story several times. Take time to think of a new word at the end of each telling.
Here is the same story with an additional detail included.
“Yesterday, I went to the store and I bought four new tires for my next-door neighbor.”…end of story.
Your word is…?
I’m guessing your word has changed as the story takes on a new dimension. A word like “generosity” or “charity” might be your choice.
Let’s do it again.
“Yesterday, I went to the store and I bought four new tires for my next-door neighbor with money that he gave me.”…end of story.
Again, choose a word.
I’m guessing I’ve been knocked down a notch or two as the story is now about “errand” or “favor” instead of our previous choices. To keep the squirrel watchers engaged, I need to quickly tell the story again.
“Yesterday, I went to the store and I finally bought four new tires for my next-door neighbor with money that he gave me three years ago.”…end of story.
And this story can be summed up with what word?
It seems like the essence of this story talks about “procrastination” or maybe “delinquency” might come to mind.
Again.
“Yesterday, I went to the store and I finally bought four new tires for my next-door neighbor with money that he gave me three years ago. It was birthday money that he intended for me to buy new tires for my truck.”…end of story.


You might pause to think this time. Choose a word before I force one on you.
My mind goes to the fine art of “regifting” or maybe you would go back up to the words “generous” and “charity.”
We have gone through big shifts in our thinking to categorize this story from “delinquency” to “generosity” simply by shedding additional light on the details and depth of the story.
One last time.
“Yesterday, I went to the store and I finally bought four new tires for my next-door neighbor with money that he gave me three years ago. It was birthday money that he intended for me to buy new tires for my truck.
As I pulled out of my driveway to go purchase the tires, his dog, my neighbor’s only real family, darted out from between our fences, and I ran over it. I decided that I was going to do what it takes to pay for this dog’s medical care. I went into debt with medical bills for the dog, but six days later, it died.
My neighbor didn’t talk to me for six months.
Despite my financial debts, that cash for new tires sat untouched on my dresser.
Though it’s been three years It’s still ####### him. Most of my gestures of kindness are not accepted, as he wouldn’t want me to think of it as somehow representing forgiveness. But yesterday, after years of heartfelt attempts, I noticed another need. His tires were balding.
‘You know,’ I said softly, ‘I never got around to spending that cash you gave me for what you intended. I wonder if you wouldn’t let me buy you some new tires?’
He paused, got real quiet, then finally said, ‘OK…yes.’”…end of story.

You probably chose your word before the story was even over. Hopefully you chose a word like “restoration” or “reconciliation” because now that you’ve heard all these details, you recognize that is what this story is about.
How about this Story, “You are a sinner. Jesus died for your sins. Believe on Him and when you die you will go to Heaven.”
If that is how we tell the Story, we might lead people to believe that the story is about “transaction” or “generosity.” But that’s not what this Story is really about.
This version of the Story would lead you to think that it is about Justification, but it is not. The Gospel Story, the Story of the Bible, the Story of human history is a Story of reconciliation.
I would contend that we are addicted to and gorged on the Justification version, and it leaves us starved for the nutrition that would come from Reconciliation. We tell the Story as if it starts with the Fall instead of where it does begin, at Creation.
I have spent my life in church traditions that typically tell the Story in the same manner an ad executive might sell a car. Create an internal crisis that establishes a need. Once that need is acknowledged, present the product we are selling as the best fit to meet that need… There are a few problems in presenting salvation in the same method of commercialism and modern methods. One of those problems is that it tends to present the Story in a way that leaves out a lot of the background and depth. We should not console ourselves with some cliché about “needing to get them lost before we can get them saved.” God created a world reconciled to Himself, the fall destroyed this, but He still wants the world to be reconciled to Him, so He sent His son. Not just so we don’t go to Hell, but so that a relationship is restored, and there is a return to living the way we were created.
Why does the “Romans Road” telling of the story, so often begin with establishing sin as the problem? It is a problem, but the difficulty is not that those facts are untrue. They are true. Justification is true. It is a wonderful blessing that should be celebrated. We are declared righteous, just as if we had never sinned. But, in light of the Story’s essence, Justification is a by product in the story of God’s Reconciliation of all creation.
And, I did go to the store yesterday to buy four new tires. It is just not what the story is about.
What would my life be like if I could balance our emphasis on Justification with an emphasis on Reconciliation? What is it like to read the Bible with a construct that emphasizes what the Story is really about? What do the teachings of Jesus mean when I read them with an emphasis on the essence of the Story, and not the Justification model?
So when we tell the Story to others…
Start with Creation, In the Beginning, instead of staring with the Fall.
Instead of just emphasizing Justification and the benefits of the future, let’s emphasize Reconciliation and the implications of right now.
God is in the business of reconciling the world to Himself.

I can’t take credit for the story and the discussion that follows, both belong to someone else, I do feel though it at least makes an attempt to “tell the story in its entirety”…what do you think?

Ultimate Reality

Well, I'm finally coming out of hibernation --maybe I shouldn't speak so soon. Perhaps this is just coming out for some fresh air. Whatever the case I finally finished my thoughts on reality so I figured I'd get them out to all of you right away....but first a little madness
I did have to cry myself to sleep last night after Boston College and Gonzaga lost in the same weekend. I mean who wants to see UCLA anyway go an any farther? And as for BC I was hoping they would win just because I don't care how long its been since Villinova has advanced to the elite eight. However, I still have Texas taking all of it--so my fingers are crossed and my rabbit's foot is close by. Seriously, all in all this has been a phenominal march madness-tons of upsets, lots of buzzer beaters, some stars rising to the occasion others falling, some applying for stardom others still warm the bench--I mean it has been beautiful. For me March Madness is like light at the end of the tunnel--Warm weather is around the corner, school is a month and a half away from being done (for those of you still in it:) and it's only five months until preseason starts!

Now to the topic at hand:
Some good thoughts were left on reality, here's mine... Honesty betrays the finger print of God on our life. Like Prof.digory said being real is attractive because that is the way reality works. Everyone appreciates honesty, everyone hates hypocrisy. If you were talking to the average joe on the street they would tell you that they hate when people are hypocritical. Why are people so naturally repulsed by hypocrisy and so attracted to people who are genuine (real or honest)? Because at our very core we were created to live in reality, which manifests itself such as loving others, being honest, hating that which is not complete or whole. When someone gives their life for another, there is something in all of us that connect with this act of selflessness…Why do we all connect with this? Because God created us to live selflessly, and give sacrificially to others; the problem was that the fall messed us all up—we are broken, messed up people, so our nature now is to live selfishly, to not live sacrificially, to live and not really love others; however, that fingerprint of God is still evident and it reveals itself when we connect with reality.
So the obvious question is, “What is reality?” I would say ultimate reality (reality in its purest form) is a return to living the way that God created us live before the fall. We know that we were created in God’s image. Among many other characteristics this includes truth, love, and justice. For example, God is love. This is who God is. It is not a byproduct of being God; this makes God, God. God is one (he is whole, he is integral, he is complete). Once again this is the nature of God—this is who he is at the very core of his being. God is a creator. Do you realize that God created the world and us because God creates? It’s what he does. God did not create humans because he was lonely and needed someone to keep him company. No, we were created, in His image, because God, at His very core, is a creator. And these are only a few of many that we could go on and on for hours about. These characteristics make God who he is, and since we were created in the image of God, These characteristics are also in us. Now, like I said, the fall broke us—we are messed up people, but these characteristics, to a much lesser extent, are still at the core or who we are.
Now Considering that Love, truth, justice, compassion, passion, courage, service ect. make up who we are, consider just a few of the Ten Commandments… Do you know why lying is such a vile wicked sin? It has nothing to do with, “because God commanded it” or because “lying destroys lives” or any of the other reasons that are normally given—these are byproducts and side issues. Lying is wrong because God is truth; it’s just who He is, so lying contradicts the very nature of God. How about adultery? We all know that adultery ruins families; we all know that adultery is usually the result of uncontrolled lust; we all know that God says not to do it; but what really is the problem with adultery? Marriage displays the nature of God—it is a man and a women becoming one. God is one, He is whole, He is integral, He is complete, He is without a split. Marriages are to be the same way—adultery splits this oneness, it fragments what is to be complete. To commit adultery is to live opposite the nature of God. It the same reason for ###########—#### is wicked because it takes a person and separates personality, feeling, emotions, and personal history from physical form. It splits a person, and yet God is one. #### stands in direct opposition to who God is. Stealing is wrong because God is just and taking what doesn’t belong to you opposes this.
God created us in His image, so we could live in His image. This is why reality is such an attractive quality because someone is living the way they were created to live. Obviously sin is constantly getting in the way making it hard “to be real”, but when we see someone who is real, we all connect with it because at our core we know this is how people are to live.
It’s really so simple and yet we all live so contrary to it. We are hypocrites—every one of us, and we all hate other hypocrites but that doesn’t stop us. We all think we have an image to live up to—we’re to scared to be honest about who we really are cause we’re afraid people will look on us with disgust, so instead we put on a show. We’re all good at keeping it fake, but very few are good at keeping it real.
Being real is such an attractive quality because it is a person who is living the way he/she was created to live.

"...And bless this cliche to our body"

Yeah, Yeah, I know I promised to publish posts more often, but what can I say? Its crazy busy here right now (I'm sorry to disappoint you Hannah and Emily). Also my thoughts on the question I asked in my previous post (what is so attractive about reality) are both deep and numerous but also unorganized. So bear with me as I collect my thoughts and figure out a way to communicate what is burning so deep inside of me...more on that later

So what's up with "Lord, bless this food to our bodies"? First of all is he really going to bless a super-sized big mac meal (oh, but I'm drinking diet coke)? And if the food is healthy--isn't that enough of an indication that he already "blessed" it? I'm all for being thankful for what God provided, but he's not going to add extra blessing to our food...especially when the only reason we ask for it is because that’s what people say at the end of a meal-time-prayer. Maybe I'm really getting at a deeper issue...maybe what I'm saying is that I don't talk to God like I have a relationship with Him. My prayers are full of clichés and cute phrases but I wouldn't talk like that to my friends. Or how about the times when we "pray in public" and our prayers have nothing to do with talking to God, instead we're more concerned that people around us think that we pray well. Good grief, sometimes I've prayed and then given myself a mental pat on the back because "that was a good prayer." Maybe this isn't even the deepest issue that I'm getting at; perhaps the issue is that what we consider our relationship with God to be is really nothing more than a show and a robotic response. It's so easy to give off all the right answers, it's so easy to play the part, its so easy to put on a façade, but in the end we're not in a relationship with God, we're in a relationship with Christianity.
I guess I want my life to have so much more meaning than just always being able to give the right answer. When I pray to God, I want to talk to God like he's my friend not some religious and historical figure, and when he's been good enough to provide me with nourishment I want to thank Him for his provision--not ask him to wave his "blessing" wand over the food.
I'm so thankful for Grace…I've really blown it a few times these last several weeks, but God has always been there to restore me and to continue loving me. Every day I have found His grace to be new and sufficient; it truly is marvelous. When I consider that almighty God is so lovingly faithful to continue teaching, growing, and discipling me, than how dare I treat Him or who He is as a Cliché.

A Tribute to Josh

Ladies and Gentlemen,
It was only a week ago tonight that I experienced one of the finest displays of Fine Arts that I've seen in my 22 years. Of course I'm a little (ok a lot) biased because the display was put on by Josh, my little brother. To put it simply for you losers who didn't come--Josh rocked the house.

I was held in the palm of Josh's hand as directed me through a river of emotions; at times I wanted to cry at times I wanted to fight. Every note was played with so much passion and heart. His stylistic interpretation of the composers was flawless. We didn't need the pictures to go along with Mussorgsky's exhibition because Josh painted them for us in our minds eye, everything from chickens running around to small Children who were annoying adults to a legendary Russian character who kidnapped Children to the majestic and historical gate of Kiev.

At the end though, I only felt one emotion--pride. Proud that Josh was my brother, proud that he had worked so hard, and proud that he had done so well. Of course the encore was big pimpin' with his rosta hat and dreads, and don't forget the absolute stud outfit that Josh chose for his big night. All in all it was class act night--josh did everything with style, charisma, passion and good taste. I've never been so happy to have been "Josh's brother."

Of course my love and pride for my brother extends far past his night...Few people have taught me so much just through being alive as he has. His brilliant mind, his deep questions, his undying loyalty, His huge heart, his unique sense of humor have all been part of making me who I am today...Love you bro.

Elsewhere in my life...my little trip home last weekend was great!! I got to see a lot of old friends and even make some new ones. I was advised that I should "post more often" and that the posts shouldn't always take a half hour to read...oh well so much for that, but I will try to post a little more often:)...So balance was quite the topic. I don't want to reopen it all up, but did want to provide a defenition for balance since none of us took time to define it: A stance firmly grounded in scriptural principles, cultural relevance, and a belief in the personal work of the Holy Spirit; all three working in harmony for the glorification of God and the edification of Man. Moving on...something to think about--why is being "real" such an attractive quality?
leave some thoughts.

That's all for now folks